Moving along, and out

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything here. I’ve been busy moving all my stuff back to AZ. There are so many things I want to do with my time now but it’s hard to decide because they all are kind of mutually exclusive. I can’t really do more than one of these things at a time (without messing something up).

1. I got into an internship program with a fire department in AZ. It is a great opportunity, but I deffered until the next academy because I know my time with jiujitsu is more limited than with fire fighting. It’s still something that I want to do but I am putting it on the back burner for a while. I really need to do more volunteer work in the community I live in in AZ. I have a great resume but not enough community service to really be the strongest candidate I can be.

2. I want to open a Brazilian JiuJitsu academy. I think that can wait until I get my black belt though. I think it also needs to wait until I have a solid job (out of probationary period) with a fire dept.

3. I started a business making Brazilian Jiujitsu videos that I believe will allow me to use my travel benefits more and train with a lot of different people around the world.

4. I would like to buy a house/apartment in Brazil in the near future. I am worried about the exchange rate though…It is so low right now, I am worried it will jump back up and I will have lost a bunch of money as a result. However, the olympics AND world cup will be held in Brazil in the next 6 years and I don’t want to miss out on the opportunity to capitalize on that.

Anyway, lunch time

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Suicide

I always have these thoughts about the war in my head and they keep me awake and distract me from daily life constantly. I’ve been thinking about suicide for a long time now but I don’t have anyone to tell about it, and now this crap with my ex is fucking with my head. She told me about a lot of “bad” things that she did while she was single and as a result, I became paranoid and dilusional (I thought she was running around on me). I know she wasn’t, but as a result, I was even more insecure about myself because she never really wanted to have sex with me unless there was some kind of outside stimulus for her (in other words, I couldn’t get her to have sex with me by myself). Anyway, I can’t tell anyone about this because I don’t want anyone at my job to know, and the last time I went to the va for help, they put me on a 3 day psychiatric hold against my will, which could’ve cost me my job.
I just keep thinking about the people I killed in the war and my friends that I watched die, and be hurt. I feel like because of these things, my views on life are completely different from others around my age. I don’t feel like I have any real friends here. There’s no one that wants to spend any time with me outside of work, except for a couple girls who only want a romantic-relationship with me, but I’m not attracted to.
I miss my ex. She was my best friend and now she thinks I’m a cheater. I did reach out to several other girls through emails asking if they would want to be with me if we lived in the same place, but I never had any intention of being with them. I just wanted to feel wanted I guess.
Horribly depressing blog, I know. Sorry. I just had to get it out.

Why are women like this?

I admitted I fucked up. I didn’t cheat though. I didn’t even sleep with anyone until yesterday and I’m sure she’s already been with more people than I’ve been with in the past 8 years. But she’s mad at me. I just don’t get it. I want to get married and start a family. I have a good job, an education, a positive attitude, a good sense of humor, I’m not too hard on the eyes, I’m tall, lean and very muscular, and I always stay in good shape…Why can’t I find someone I can settle down with?? Why do there have to be issues with what a girl did in mexico or with her exes, and why do I have to hear about it? I assume that everyone has done SOMETHING dubious in there past…Why do I have to hear about it? It COMPLETELY RUINED the last two years of relationship for me! I thought she was the one. But she had to tell me about all this stuff she had done with other people, but would never do with me, and for the first time in my life, I felt insecure…I’ve never truly experienced that. She had been with so many guys…even two at a time…I’ve always been comfortable with who I am but this started making me question my self-worth…and I started “talking” to other girls, and it made me feel better but I never did anything with them…Now I feel like a huge tool because I bought two wedding rings for the same girl in the last two years…and now I’m single…wtf?

where should I be a firefighter?

I’m getting my EMT-Basic this semester…after that, I’ll either go to the fire academy at El Camino College (ECC) in Los Angeles or at a Maricopa college in AZ.  From my research and talking with friends who are firefighters, you’re pretty much stuck to where you do the fire academy for employment. I have a full time job here in LA but I hate it and I can’t wait to leave…but it pays a lot. HELP!

Initial post

Right now I want to just list some of the stuff I want to talk about here. Please feel free to contribute or sound off on anything in here that makes you feel so inclined.

My “autobiography” is a decent summary of what I’ll talk about here. So, as a starting point, here it is;  
I’m a 27-year-old kid, war-veteran, professional, college graduate, brazilian jiu-jitsu brown-belt, and world-traveler with commitment and attachment issues to the weirdest things to have commitment/attachment issues with. I still have a lot of things I would like to do with my life and I have the rare opportunity to do virtually every single thing I can think of. No matter what I do from this point forward, I feel like I will have to leave something/someone behind, but I have to move forward. I can’t sit still for the rest of my life. I’m not really sure if blogging about it will help anything, but at least it may inspire someone to take action and do something great with their life that they wouldn’t have otherwise.

Aside from that, the things I truly love are, in no particular order; Brazilian Jiu-jitsu, playing and listening to music, Brazilian food, physical and mental tests, living in different countries/cultures, speaking portuguese, and more than anything, my family.

In the days, months, hopefully years to come, I’ll post thoughts about what has happened so far in my relatively short, but full, life as well as developments in my life as they come and plans/ideas for the future. I think I may post (appropriate) pictures from the war, my travels, and other crazy stuff I’ve seen, but I’m not sure if I want to keep this completely anonymous yet so I might blur out my face (I don’t think that would bother anyone too much haha).

I really want to hear back from people about this stuff. If you think I’m stupid, crazy, ambitious, or blind, tell me. Yell at me if you can somehow  make the text do that. For now, that’s it…enjoy 😉

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