Suicide

I always have these thoughts about the war in my head and they keep me awake and distract me from daily life constantly. I’ve been thinking about suicide for a long time now but I don’t have anyone to tell about it, and now this crap with my ex is fucking with my head. She told me about a lot of “bad” things that she did while she was single and as a result, I became paranoid and dilusional (I thought she was running around on me). I know she wasn’t, but as a result, I was even more insecure about myself because she never really wanted to have sex with me unless there was some kind of outside stimulus for her (in other words, I couldn’t get her to have sex with me by myself). Anyway, I can’t tell anyone about this because I don’t want anyone at my job to know, and the last time I went to the va for help, they put me on a 3 day psychiatric hold against my will, which could’ve cost me my job.
I just keep thinking about the people I killed in the war and my friends that I watched die, and be hurt. I feel like because of these things, my views on life are completely different from others around my age. I don’t feel like I have any real friends here. There’s no one that wants to spend any time with me outside of work, except for a couple girls who only want a romantic-relationship with me, but I’m not attracted to.
I miss my ex. She was my best friend and now she thinks I’m a cheater. I did reach out to several other girls through emails asking if they would want to be with me if we lived in the same place, but I never had any intention of being with them. I just wanted to feel wanted I guess.
Horribly depressing blog, I know. Sorry. I just had to get it out.

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Why are women like this?

I admitted I fucked up. I didn’t cheat though. I didn’t even sleep with anyone until yesterday and I’m sure she’s already been with more people than I’ve been with in the past 8 years. But she’s mad at me. I just don’t get it. I want to get married and start a family. I have a good job, an education, a positive attitude, a good sense of humor, I’m not too hard on the eyes, I’m tall, lean and very muscular, and I always stay in good shape…Why can’t I find someone I can settle down with?? Why do there have to be┬áissues with what a girl did in mexico or with her exes, and why do I have to hear about it? I assume that everyone has done SOMETHING dubious in there past…Why do I have to hear about it? It COMPLETELY RUINED the last two years of relationship for me! I thought she was the one. But she had to tell me about all this stuff she had done with other people, but would never do with me, and for the first time in my life, I felt insecure…I’ve never truly experienced that. She had been with so many guys…even two at a time…I’ve always been comfortable with who I am but this started making me question my self-worth…and I started “talking” to other girls, and it made me feel better but I never did anything with them…Now I feel like a huge tool because I bought two wedding rings for the same girl in the last two years…and now I’m single…wtf?