Suicide

I always have these thoughts about the war in my head and they keep me awake and distract me from daily life constantly. I’ve been thinking about suicide for a long time now but I don’t have anyone to tell about it, and now this crap with my ex is fucking with my head. She told me about a lot of “bad” things that she did while she was single and as a result, I became paranoid and dilusional (I thought she was running around on me). I know she wasn’t, but as a result, I was even more insecure about myself because she never really wanted to have sex with me unless there was some kind of outside stimulus for her (in other words, I couldn’t get her to have sex with me by myself). Anyway, I can’t tell anyone about this because I don’t want anyone at my job to know, and the last time I went to the va for help, they put me on a 3 day psychiatric hold against my will, which could’ve cost me my job.
I just keep thinking about the people I killed in the war and my friends that I watched die, and be hurt. I feel like because of these things, my views on life are completely different from others around my age. I don’t feel like I have any real friends here. There’s no one that wants to spend any time with me outside of work, except for a couple girls who only want a romantic-relationship with me, but I’m not attracted to.
I miss my ex. She was my best friend and now she thinks I’m a cheater. I did reach out to several other girls through emails asking if they would want to be with me if we lived in the same place, but I never had any intention of being with them. I just wanted to feel wanted I guess.
Horribly depressing blog, I know. Sorry. I just had to get it out.

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